there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
