im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
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After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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