Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
