Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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