Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
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We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
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Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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