I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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