We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
