i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
