Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
