i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
