Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
that's an acceptable place to lick
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
