You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
