There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
