omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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