i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
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I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
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It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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