my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
