Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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