I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
