I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
