I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
