Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
