Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
