Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
