So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
