I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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