Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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