Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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