Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
someone threw a dead crab at me
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
farters have to be the big spoon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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