there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
