Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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