i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
