Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
