just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My vagina is officially offended.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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