I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
