the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
