Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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