mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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