Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I think i got beer on your cat.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
