What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
