i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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