I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
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I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
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oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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