I bet he comes in French.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
