Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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