Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
