just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Randomize
