she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
