remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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