I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
