the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
