and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
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In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
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you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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