I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
