No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
