so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
