I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think people are normalizing furries
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
