Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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