Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
