just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
