Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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