My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
