she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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