Got a toothbrush?
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just threw up on my dentist
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
